Forgive me guys this is going to be a long one.
First I should say that I really wanted to be a positive and upbeat blog, like many of the other "Mommy" blogs out there. However, It seems I decieded to really get into putting my thoughts online at a point in my life that wasn't all roses and sunshine. So I attempted to fake it or at least somewhat avoid it with the 30 Photo Challenge...You all see how that ended up. 3 days into it I quit. It isn't because I don't have "happy" feelings or I don't have a positive disposition (ask my friends they can tell you I do) it's just that at this point in my life the good things are great and the bad things feel awful. The awful feelings seem to dominate so that's what I post. This isn't anywhere close to what I wanted for my blog but I guess it's what I needed it to be. If that's the reason I only have 1 follower, then so be it. This blog is real, these are my emotions, and as much as I wish they were happier, for now it is what it is.
I keep reflecting on the past, high school, and even just a few months ago. I can honestly say I had big dreams. Not big in the sense that I wanted to CEO of a company or I wanted to be some kind of hotshot or anything. Just big in the sense that I had plans for what I wanted and what would make me happy. I thought I was heading in that direction I am starting to feel like I was wrong. I ended the 4 year relationship with Mr. Awful and married who I thought would be my forever. After 3 years living an hour from home we moved back because it is where we thought we should be. I had a job where I could work at home with my baby and made plans to go back to school. Well things have changed like the always do. When we moved back home we crunched numbers and planned, we knew what we could afford so we found a place in that range. Not even a month after we moved I was told I couldn't work from home anymore even though I had worked at home for over a year with no problem. Then my hours got cut and we still have to pay for a home phone that doesn't get used. It's 360 dollars to cut it off because it's a breach of contract. We bought a desktop computer for me to work on days before I was told I couldn't work from home. Things like that can't be returned once they've been opened. It does get used but we didn't need it. Needless to say, now we struggle. Not in the sense that we can't afford extra but in the sense that we have to borrow money from my mom to get by. Matt has to stay in Paducah every night he can so we can save the money on gas. I work most weekends because he is off and this way we don't have to pay for childcare. We stretch 1 week of groceries to two. We don't eat fast food because we don't have the extra 6 bucks that would cost. I'm not sure I will go back to school because it looks like I won't get any aid Even if we had a payment plan, we wouldn't be able to afford it. I'm still not sure how we are going to get everything for CJ's first birthday party next Saturday.
Things are so hard right now. The stress is making me feel crazy. I forget things, important things like my little step-sister walking over to our house after school. Do you know how it feels to get a call saying you forgot a 12 year old? Let me just say it's awful. On top of that I get reminded of it often by my husband.
There are days when I don't know how I will make it to the end of the day. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. We had to borrow more money, I of course have to be the one telling my mom that we need help. I got horrible score on my monitoring at work. I got home and tried to talk to Matt about a handful of different things and got ignored because he was playing xbox. To say I felt alone is an understatement. Then our downstairs neighbor told us CJ walking in his walker is too loud. I could handle each thing separately but all of them at the same time is too much.
I know eventually we will come out of this period in our lives but it's hard when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.
Saturday, April 9, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Back to Dieting
I am going back on a diet. I am somewhat doing the self Drop 10 Challenge. I get 1350 calories and 250 "Happy Calories" a day. Happy Calories are basically "Eat anything you want" calories. Which for now, at least until I get to the grocery again, I am eating anything I want anyway just trying to stay within my calories and eat as healthy as I can with what I have. I plan to get back to walking everyday for at least a half hour hopefully I can do closer to an hour though. I really hope I can stick to this. I just don't want to feel so gross anymore. I hate feeling like no matter what I look huge. Wish me luck.
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dear Co-worker (and Mother in Law)
PLEASE do not ask me what I am having for lunch and then say, "Yuck" followed up with gagging sounds. It is not polite and is highly aggravating! I don't say Yuck when you are having salad for the umpteenth time. I would appreciate the same courtesy. Thanks Marci!
Photo Callenge Day 3
Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.
In case you couldn't tell, this is the cast of Lost. I was/am addicted to this show. The show ended last May just after CJ was born. I could talk about this show for hours. I wasn't so interested in figuring out what was going on as much as I was into watching their stories unfold. I am in the minority when I say I think the ending was great. It was the best way to give the story a "happy" ending. This picture has most of my favorites: Charlie, Desmond and Hurley are in this picture, Rose and Bernard are not and they were probably my favorite out of the whole cast and they weren't even main characters.
Photo Challenge Day 2
Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Photo Challenge Day 1
So This is a couple days late but hopefully I can make up the posts today :)
Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.
(This is a REALLY old picture, but it's all I could find of just me that is newer than 2002)15 Facts about me:
- I hate Ranch dressing. I find it disgusting and it makes me gag just smelling it.
- I also HATE roller coasters, I tried to go on one in 2005 and had a panic attack in the middle of the ride. It was awful to ride the rest of it not being able to catch my breath and have tears streaming down my face.
- Even with my fear of roller coasters I really really really want to go to Disney world.
- I have an almost 1 year old little boy :)
- I have a really hard talking about myself, which is odd since I have a blog.
- I can bend my thumb backwards and lay it flat on my wrist.
- I met my husband because he had a crush on my little sister, She is now dating his older brother... How odd is that?
- I believe 100% in fate, it goes along with knowing that God has a plan for me!
- I miss my Granny more than I ever though I could. She was simply AMAZING! If I could "grow up" and be like anyone it would be her, hands down.
- I am very awkward when it comes to serious situations. I never know what to say or how to not sound stupid.
- I have ADD. I was diagnosed in the 1st grade and "grew out of it" in the third grade after being on adult doses of the medication 3 times a day for 2 years, it still doesn't make sense to me, so I still say I have it, I'm just unmedicated.
- I am working really hard at becoming closer to God. It's very hard some days but I am trying my hardest to put all my trust in Him.
- When I was a teenager all my friends couldn't wait to leave my hometown, but I always wanted to stay there.
- I wish I could be a paid stay at home mom. I have wanted my whole life just to be a mom and raise a family but unfortunately bills have to be paid so I work.
- I am sure by reading this you have already figured this out but I am really bad with grammar and punctuation. I am the run-on sentence/random period queen.
30 Day picture challenge
I am jumping on the bandwagon! Yall may have seen this on Facebook but I am going to do it on my blog instead. Here is the list: Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts. Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest. Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show. Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night. Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory. Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day. Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item. Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh. Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most. Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with. Day 11 - A picture of something you hate. Day 12 - A picture of something you love. Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist. Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without. Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die. Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you. Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently. Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity. Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little. Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel. Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget. Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at. Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book. Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change. Day 25 - A picture of your day. Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you. Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member. Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of. Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile. Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.
I will make a new post for day 1 since it will be kind of long :D
I will make a new post for day 1 since it will be kind of long :D
Back When....
I have a habit. I wouldn't say it's a bad or a good habit. In fact I am not sure this even qualifies as a habit but it's something I do ALOT. Whenever I am alone I tend to think about High School and the years before I met Matt. It's hard for me to not to be a little sad about those times. A lot of the people who were my "Best Friends" I don't even speak to anymore. Not because we are angry with each other or anything interesting. We've just grown apart. I can think of 100 different scenarios when I could have/should have/would have done things different. My how my life would have changed if I had. Time for a short trip down memory lane.
This is Prom 2004. That's me on the right and my "Best Friend" Ami on the left. We both went alone, well with each other really. Ami was single (If I remember correctly) and my boyfriend wasn't allowed to go. (Don't ask why, It's not a story I want to get into right now). I got ready at her house, her mom did my hair. I love how this picture looks like with both have little to no make up on. I can assure you we had way more than enough on. That was a GREAT night. In the back on the mantel you can see a picture of her brother who became another one of my "best friends." In 2005 I could have went to prom with him. I didn't. I should have and I would have if I hadn't gotten back together with my boyfriend (the same one who wasn't allowed at this prom). I can only imagine the way things would have changed if I went with him. I don't speak to either of them, although they are both my friends on Facebook. I like getting little updates on there lives but at the same time it makes me a little sad. 
This picture is from 2002. I LOVE it. It's my absolute favorite picture of me. It reminds me of that summer. I was going to be a sophomore when I started school in the fall and I spent every day I could at my "Best Friend's" house, which is where this picture was taken. I can remember when this was taken. I am pretty sure I was either going to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get more food. She happened to take this picture at just the perfect time. This is a different "best friend" than the one in the prom picture. At one point we were all 3 best friends, at one point I wasn't friends with either of them. Now me and this "best friend" are just friends. I see sometimes, sometimes I don't. I still love her to pieces but I don't tell her EVERYTHING like I used to.
This is Prom 2004. That's me on the right and my "Best Friend" Ami on the left. We both went alone, well with each other really. Ami was single (If I remember correctly) and my boyfriend wasn't allowed to go. (Don't ask why, It's not a story I want to get into right now). I got ready at her house, her mom did my hair. I love how this picture looks like with both have little to no make up on. I can assure you we had way more than enough on. That was a GREAT night. In the back on the mantel you can see a picture of her brother who became another one of my "best friends." In 2005 I could have went to prom with him. I didn't. I should have and I would have if I hadn't gotten back together with my boyfriend (the same one who wasn't allowed at this prom). I can only imagine the way things would have changed if I went with him. I don't speak to either of them, although they are both my friends on Facebook. I like getting little updates on there lives but at the same time it makes me a little sad. This picture is from 2002. I LOVE it. It's my absolute favorite picture of me. It reminds me of that summer. I was going to be a sophomore when I started school in the fall and I spent every day I could at my "Best Friend's" house, which is where this picture was taken. I can remember when this was taken. I am pretty sure I was either going to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get more food. She happened to take this picture at just the perfect time. This is a different "best friend" than the one in the prom picture. At one point we were all 3 best friends, at one point I wasn't friends with either of them. Now me and this "best friend" are just friends. I see sometimes, sometimes I don't. I still love her to pieces but I don't tell her EVERYTHING like I used to. I feel like the growing apart is the downside to "growing up."
There are days when I want to go back to high school. Just so I can have some of my favorite people back. I don't want you to think I would trade my little boy for anything but I wish I could have done things different so he could have that many more people to love him. It makes me sad to think that people who were such an big part of history don't have such a big part in my present but in a way it's a happy kind of sad.
Friday, March 25, 2011
Thought I would share this!
Wow two posts in two days...must be a record for my blog :D
I thought I would share one of the ways we are trying to save some money. That is using cloth diapers. We are still VERY new to this and currently we only use Econobum prefolds with covers. To be honest we are actually using more disposables than cloth at the moment. We haven't exactly found our groove when it comes to cloth. I did find a calculator and if we ever get switched over to JUST cloth we would save around 800 dollars in a year, if you ask me that's a big deal. 800 dollars is a whole month of rent, electric, cable and car insurance for us. I try to imagine not having to worry about all those bills for a whole month whenever I am discouraged.
On that same note, my very good friend has her own cloth diaper business. She makes the cutest little diapers I've ever seen (and I'm not just saying that cause I love her to pieces, they REALLY are cute). For the next couple weeks she has a few AWESOME ways to save when you shop at her store, including a 10% off code! She is currently running a giveaway for an AI2 as well. You guys simply HAVE to check out the cuteness that is Viva La Fluff.
Here is the link to her Facebook and her store!
I thought I would share one of the ways we are trying to save some money. That is using cloth diapers. We are still VERY new to this and currently we only use Econobum prefolds with covers. To be honest we are actually using more disposables than cloth at the moment. We haven't exactly found our groove when it comes to cloth. I did find a calculator and if we ever get switched over to JUST cloth we would save around 800 dollars in a year, if you ask me that's a big deal. 800 dollars is a whole month of rent, electric, cable and car insurance for us. I try to imagine not having to worry about all those bills for a whole month whenever I am discouraged.
On that same note, my very good friend has her own cloth diaper business. She makes the cutest little diapers I've ever seen (and I'm not just saying that cause I love her to pieces, they REALLY are cute). For the next couple weeks she has a few AWESOME ways to save when you shop at her store, including a 10% off code! She is currently running a giveaway for an AI2 as well. You guys simply HAVE to check out the cuteness that is Viva La Fluff.
Here is the link to her Facebook and her store!
Thursday, March 24, 2011
Miracles
Hello again. Just a quick follow up on my last post. I did not go to the doctor. I've convinced myself that, for now, I'm fine. It's probably not the "right" thing to do but it's what I need to do for now.
On to what I came here to post about. When I went to bed last night I was down about our current financial situation so I prayed and I prayed HARD. I can honestly say until last night, when it came to praying, I was doing it wrong. Last night I asked, no begged, God to just show me the way. I begged for wisdom and guidance. I asked him to please show me the way to get out of this mess. Then I stayed awake and thought about the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miracles book I have (I'll get back to this part). Eventually I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and just like I do every morning right after I got dressed and got my things together for work, I got on Facebook. One of the first statuses I read was: "For I know the plans I have for you" Declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I know God was speaking to me and I heard him loud and clear... For a while. As the day went on two things happened. Before I tell you those things...let me first tell you I am fully aware this is jealousy pure and simple. The first thing that happened was my future sister in law posted something about getting some Vibram Five Fingers. For those of you who don't know, they are some kind of shoe but it gives you a barefoot feeling or something like that. The thing is...My brother and sister in law are struggling just like Matt and I, but we can't even spare enough to get shoes like that. I would love to get a new pair of ANY kind of shoes but I have tennis shoes and flip flops that are in next to perfect condition, so no fancy shoes for me. If I want to feel barefoot, I'll walk around barefoot I suppose. The Second thing is my sister bought a new car. She lives my mom and is also ALWAYS complaining about not having money. I tried really hard not to be angry or jealous but I couldn't help it. I just sat at work and stewed on the fact that we are struggling, truly struggling and here are these two people who claim to be in the same boat yet they can afford extra stuff. My sister told me she needed a new car because hers doesn't have air conditioning. My car doesn't either, the head liner is falling down, it only half way has heat, my seats don't adjust and the list goes on and on. BUT my car runs. It goes where I want it to go and that's all I need it to do. I would love a new car and today I tried to convince myself I needed one...but I don't, couldn't afford one if I did. So I got home sad and depressed. Hubby left work and I got up to make dinner. Here is where the book of miracles comes in. As I lay in bed last night I kept thinking about a story where a couple was struggling and there last gallon of milk lasted for 20 cups instead of 16 or something similar. As I was making dinner I went to the fridge to get the milk. I look at what was left and thought "There is no way this is a cup let alone 1 and 3/4 cup. " I tried anyway thinking that if it wasn't enough I'd make due with what I had. I measured it out half a cup at time and wouldn't you know it, it was exactly 1 and 3/4th cups. Maybe it's a stretch but if you ask me, God was proving a point. I may not have all I want but I have all I need.
PS: I fixed the major spelling errors, hopefully that makes this more readable... I have no clue I spelt Mircales correct in the title but nowhere in the rest of the post.
On to what I came here to post about. When I went to bed last night I was down about our current financial situation so I prayed and I prayed HARD. I can honestly say until last night, when it came to praying, I was doing it wrong. Last night I asked, no begged, God to just show me the way. I begged for wisdom and guidance. I asked him to please show me the way to get out of this mess. Then I stayed awake and thought about the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miracles book I have (I'll get back to this part). Eventually I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and just like I do every morning right after I got dressed and got my things together for work, I got on Facebook. One of the first statuses I read was: "For I know the plans I have for you" Declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I know God was speaking to me and I heard him loud and clear... For a while. As the day went on two things happened. Before I tell you those things...let me first tell you I am fully aware this is jealousy pure and simple. The first thing that happened was my future sister in law posted something about getting some Vibram Five Fingers. For those of you who don't know, they are some kind of shoe but it gives you a barefoot feeling or something like that. The thing is...My brother and sister in law are struggling just like Matt and I, but we can't even spare enough to get shoes like that. I would love to get a new pair of ANY kind of shoes but I have tennis shoes and flip flops that are in next to perfect condition, so no fancy shoes for me. If I want to feel barefoot, I'll walk around barefoot I suppose. The Second thing is my sister bought a new car. She lives my mom and is also ALWAYS complaining about not having money. I tried really hard not to be angry or jealous but I couldn't help it. I just sat at work and stewed on the fact that we are struggling, truly struggling and here are these two people who claim to be in the same boat yet they can afford extra stuff. My sister told me she needed a new car because hers doesn't have air conditioning. My car doesn't either, the head liner is falling down, it only half way has heat, my seats don't adjust and the list goes on and on. BUT my car runs. It goes where I want it to go and that's all I need it to do. I would love a new car and today I tried to convince myself I needed one...but I don't, couldn't afford one if I did. So I got home sad and depressed. Hubby left work and I got up to make dinner. Here is where the book of miracles comes in. As I lay in bed last night I kept thinking about a story where a couple was struggling and there last gallon of milk lasted for 20 cups instead of 16 or something similar. As I was making dinner I went to the fridge to get the milk. I look at what was left and thought "There is no way this is a cup let alone 1 and 3/4 cup. " I tried anyway thinking that if it wasn't enough I'd make due with what I had. I measured it out half a cup at time and wouldn't you know it, it was exactly 1 and 3/4th cups. Maybe it's a stretch but if you ask me, God was proving a point. I may not have all I want but I have all I need.
PS: I fixed the major spelling errors, hopefully that makes this more readable... I have no clue I spelt Mircales correct in the title but nowhere in the rest of the post.
Tuesday, March 15, 2011
Getting help
As you could probably tell from my previous post I am having some issues. The not fun, feeling crazy kind of issues. However until this morning it hadn't occurred to me that maybe I needed to get some help.
This morning I woke up not just tired but "sad." I use the word sad here because that's what it felt like but since I was just waking up and haven't had any "sad" events in my life lately there really was no reason to be sad. Depressed may have worked but I wasn't just feeling down I was feeling like crying as if I had lost my best friend. With this sad feeling I got up, got dressed and went to work. Around 7:20 my Boss/MIL texted to tell me she would be working from home today. Which enough to bring me to tears because "It's just not fair."
Let me stop here and say until about 3 weeks ago I was working from home with my baby everyday. Then my family moved back home to be closer to our extended family, thinking it would be best for our son. It was then decided I have to come in to work. I was disappointed, very disappointed but I do it.
Back on track: Even with that tid bit of info above, I knew crying because life's not fair was an irrational response. It was at that point I realized I tend to have irrational emotional responses to many things. Such as my husband asking me to throw something away, I know he's not calling me lazy but I feel like he is. Things like that make me feel like something isn't right. In my head I know after the fact that the response is inappropriate but in the moment it feels right enough that I try to defend it.
So Monday I have an appointment to talk with a doctor about depression. I am so nervous. It is hard not to feel crazy. I am not sure exactly what will be done for me. I worry about medication simply because birth control throws me way out of wack and that makes me wonder about other medications meant to effect moods. Even with these concerns I know it's a step in the right direction.
This morning I woke up not just tired but "sad." I use the word sad here because that's what it felt like but since I was just waking up and haven't had any "sad" events in my life lately there really was no reason to be sad. Depressed may have worked but I wasn't just feeling down I was feeling like crying as if I had lost my best friend. With this sad feeling I got up, got dressed and went to work. Around 7:20 my Boss/MIL texted to tell me she would be working from home today. Which enough to bring me to tears because "It's just not fair."
Let me stop here and say until about 3 weeks ago I was working from home with my baby everyday. Then my family moved back home to be closer to our extended family, thinking it would be best for our son. It was then decided I have to come in to work. I was disappointed, very disappointed but I do it.
Back on track: Even with that tid bit of info above, I knew crying because life's not fair was an irrational response. It was at that point I realized I tend to have irrational emotional responses to many things. Such as my husband asking me to throw something away, I know he's not calling me lazy but I feel like he is. Things like that make me feel like something isn't right. In my head I know after the fact that the response is inappropriate but in the moment it feels right enough that I try to defend it.
So Monday I have an appointment to talk with a doctor about depression. I am so nervous. It is hard not to feel crazy. I am not sure exactly what will be done for me. I worry about medication simply because birth control throws me way out of wack and that makes me wonder about other medications meant to effect moods. Even with these concerns I know it's a step in the right direction.
Saturday, March 12, 2011
Life is hard.
I don't know any other way to explain other than life is hard. I am trying to make things better but I honestly feel like I am fighting a losing battle. However I know that is simply not the case. I can't be trying so hard just to be losing. I know my previous post was all about trying to be happy and it was actually somewhat positive but I am finding it hard to be optimistic. I feel like I am just floating through everything...almost disconnected. I am just having such a hard time and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like at this point my husband and I have just lost any sense of relationship. He's been telling me things he needs me to do in order to get our relationship back on track and I've been doing them but it's not helping anything. We can't even deciede on what to eat with out him getting aggrivated. I don't know what to do. I just need an answer...Where do I go from here?
Sunday, March 6, 2011
The Key
"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success." -Herman Cain
After doing some serious soul searching this weekend, I have decided to put the weight loss journey on hold until further notice. I have put some serious thought into all aspects of my life and I know I have to figure some things out before I can focus on other areas in my life. I really have to work on making myself happy first and foremost.
I have to learn that I more than just a wife and a mother. I don't have let my entire life focus on just those two things. Although I love being a mother and being a wife, that's not all I have to be and that's not all I have to do. I have to let myself leave CJ at home with Matt sometimes. I have to make time to have girls nights and time with my sisters. I have to teach myself that is possible to still be a good mother and to get a baby sitter every now and then. I need to learn that my Family can still be my priority even when I am not with them. I don't have to lose who I am just because I've gained a family.
I hope this isn't coming off wrong. I love my boys more than anything... and that's the "problem." I have to love myself just as much as I love them. They can be the center of my world but I have to be the center of my world too.
This week I am going to work on putting my self in first place (even if it's shared with my boys.)
Monday I have a meeting at the community college to get things ready for going in the fall.
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are work days this week.
Friday or Saturday night Matt and I will have a date night and the opposite night I think I will have a girls night with my sister.
Sunday is Church :)
Wednesday is completely open!! Maybe I will work on a scrap book or paint my nails...or BOTH!
I am hoping my plans stick!
Wish me luck!
Marci
After doing some serious soul searching this weekend, I have decided to put the weight loss journey on hold until further notice. I have put some serious thought into all aspects of my life and I know I have to figure some things out before I can focus on other areas in my life. I really have to work on making myself happy first and foremost.
I have to learn that I more than just a wife and a mother. I don't have let my entire life focus on just those two things. Although I love being a mother and being a wife, that's not all I have to be and that's not all I have to do. I have to let myself leave CJ at home with Matt sometimes. I have to make time to have girls nights and time with my sisters. I have to teach myself that is possible to still be a good mother and to get a baby sitter every now and then. I need to learn that my Family can still be my priority even when I am not with them. I don't have to lose who I am just because I've gained a family.
I hope this isn't coming off wrong. I love my boys more than anything... and that's the "problem." I have to love myself just as much as I love them. They can be the center of my world but I have to be the center of my world too.
This week I am going to work on putting my self in first place (even if it's shared with my boys.)
Monday I have a meeting at the community college to get things ready for going in the fall.
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are work days this week.
Friday or Saturday night Matt and I will have a date night and the opposite night I think I will have a girls night with my sister.
Sunday is Church :)
Wednesday is completely open!! Maybe I will work on a scrap book or paint my nails...or BOTH!
I am hoping my plans stick!
Wish me luck!
Marci
Tuesday, February 22, 2011
Climbing steep hills.
I thought I'd start this post with a weigh-in.
On Sunday I weighed 226.
Two Hundred Twenty Six pounds. WOW. That number seems sooo big to me. More than big it seems so unhealthy. I was so down about that number. I felt like I had tried so hard and got nothing. Then I dwelled on it and kept thinking about that stinking number. And lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I went a whole day without 1 ounce of water, I didn't walk and I spent the whole day beating myself up about it. Then I woke up today, took a shower, brushed my teeth and hair and thought...What good am I doing if I dwell on everything I did wrong or everything that went wrong? What about the fact that I walked at least 2 miles 5 days last week or that I drank more water than I EVER have before? That is a pretty big deal right? While my weight didn't melt off of me like I thought it should have it didn't increase and in my book we are going to call that a win for this week :)
I went yesterday and bought my goal dress. It's a super cute size 11 strapless dress. Also it was only 10 bucks so that makes it even better. I have no clue where I would wear but I will definitely find somewhere to where once I am down to that size. When I get to that Size I'll buy something else in a size 5 for my ultimate goal :)
In other news:
My employer is switching all sorts of things around on me. I am trying to be optimistic but it is just not working. I am going from working at home and being with my son all day to working in office for less hours. We are seriously struggling to figure out how we will make this work. Less hours plus gas money to go to and from the office will make money very tight. We can't turn off our phone for another year and we won't use it since I'm not at home working anymore. I thought about getting a second job but it would be next to impossible to find a day care that will work for us since I would need them from 5:15 am until 1:30ish just on Tuesdays and Thursday then some nights if I get a second job. I am working on other ways to save like couponing and I am thinking of doing a direct sales type job also but I didn't do very well with Avon so I'm not sure how I'd do with something different.
This week I am going to work on walking more, drinking less soda and look into what I can do to save/bring in more money.
Wish me luck
PS: My title came from this quote.
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
~William Shakespeare
I would definitely say I have some steep hills to climb :)
On Sunday I weighed 226.
Two Hundred Twenty Six pounds. WOW. That number seems sooo big to me. More than big it seems so unhealthy. I was so down about that number. I felt like I had tried so hard and got nothing. Then I dwelled on it and kept thinking about that stinking number. And lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I went a whole day without 1 ounce of water, I didn't walk and I spent the whole day beating myself up about it. Then I woke up today, took a shower, brushed my teeth and hair and thought...What good am I doing if I dwell on everything I did wrong or everything that went wrong? What about the fact that I walked at least 2 miles 5 days last week or that I drank more water than I EVER have before? That is a pretty big deal right? While my weight didn't melt off of me like I thought it should have it didn't increase and in my book we are going to call that a win for this week :)
I went yesterday and bought my goal dress. It's a super cute size 11 strapless dress. Also it was only 10 bucks so that makes it even better. I have no clue where I would wear but I will definitely find somewhere to where once I am down to that size. When I get to that Size I'll buy something else in a size 5 for my ultimate goal :)
In other news:
My employer is switching all sorts of things around on me. I am trying to be optimistic but it is just not working. I am going from working at home and being with my son all day to working in office for less hours. We are seriously struggling to figure out how we will make this work. Less hours plus gas money to go to and from the office will make money very tight. We can't turn off our phone for another year and we won't use it since I'm not at home working anymore. I thought about getting a second job but it would be next to impossible to find a day care that will work for us since I would need them from 5:15 am until 1:30ish just on Tuesdays and Thursday then some nights if I get a second job. I am working on other ways to save like couponing and I am thinking of doing a direct sales type job also but I didn't do very well with Avon so I'm not sure how I'd do with something different.
This week I am going to work on walking more, drinking less soda and look into what I can do to save/bring in more money.
Wish me luck
PS: My title came from this quote.
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
~William Shakespeare
I would definitely say I have some steep hills to climb :)
Wednesday, February 16, 2011
Welcome to the new normal
Obviously I have been a bit neglectful (that's probably not a word but I'm gonna use it anyway). This poor blog has just been pushed to the side. I didn't want to come here and announce my failures to the world...so I just ignored it.
Hopefully I will start posting more and actually get the weight off.
I have been pretty proud of myself the past few days. I have walked about 2 miles everyday for the past three days. I must say I am pretty proud of myself. I honestly thought when I started I would only get to the gas station (probably 1/5th of a mile round trip) and I ended up going all the way to the apartments a mile down the road. I just kept pushing myself. My motto has been just one more bench (they have benches set up through out the trail) well today I went 1 more bench further and made it to the grocery store making my trip just over 2 miles!!! It's strange, once I started walking I started to not want the sodas as much. I feel like why do all that damage and just throw my walk away. I will admit I do still have sodas, but I had 2 today and it is "normal" for me to 6 or more. I would say 2 is a definite improvement. I am also sad to say I think I am going through some sort of caffeine withdrawal, the headaches I had today were out of this world but if I keep on eventually that will go away.
Currently I am searching for healthy, yummy recipes. I have a SERIOUS vegetable aversion. I was never made to eat veggies except corn, green beans and peas (although in my adult life I've heard those aren't veggies). Now I have a strange thing about vegetables that has nothing to do with taste and everything to do with texture. When I was younger the only things crunchy I ate were chips and crackers, so the crunch of a carrot stick is just a bit alien to me and honestly makes me gag. I honestly want to be healthy and not just skinny and I know that I will have to eat vegetables so that means finding creative ways to cook them and hide them in recipes.
Anyways I am happy with the direction my new healthier life style is going and I feel like I can stay on this track.
Wish me luck.
Hopefully I will start posting more and actually get the weight off.
I have been pretty proud of myself the past few days. I have walked about 2 miles everyday for the past three days. I must say I am pretty proud of myself. I honestly thought when I started I would only get to the gas station (probably 1/5th of a mile round trip) and I ended up going all the way to the apartments a mile down the road. I just kept pushing myself. My motto has been just one more bench (they have benches set up through out the trail) well today I went 1 more bench further and made it to the grocery store making my trip just over 2 miles!!! It's strange, once I started walking I started to not want the sodas as much. I feel like why do all that damage and just throw my walk away. I will admit I do still have sodas, but I had 2 today and it is "normal" for me to 6 or more. I would say 2 is a definite improvement. I am also sad to say I think I am going through some sort of caffeine withdrawal, the headaches I had today were out of this world but if I keep on eventually that will go away.
Currently I am searching for healthy, yummy recipes. I have a SERIOUS vegetable aversion. I was never made to eat veggies except corn, green beans and peas (although in my adult life I've heard those aren't veggies). Now I have a strange thing about vegetables that has nothing to do with taste and everything to do with texture. When I was younger the only things crunchy I ate were chips and crackers, so the crunch of a carrot stick is just a bit alien to me and honestly makes me gag. I honestly want to be healthy and not just skinny and I know that I will have to eat vegetables so that means finding creative ways to cook them and hide them in recipes.
Anyways I am happy with the direction my new healthier life style is going and I feel like I can stay on this track.
Wish me luck.
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
Food and Exercise Diary 1/5/2011
I decieded I would try to do better today. Even if I eat the same things some things will be different and hopefully have less calories.
Breakfast 7:45AM:
Maple and brown sugar oatmeal (made with water): 160 calories
1 tsp sugar: 15 calories
8oz apple juice: 110 calories
Breakfast total: 285 calories
I woke up later today than I did yesterday but I was still only midly hungry and fairly content emotionally. Yesterday I ate 175 more calories. I added less sugar and no butter to my oatmeal. I only have one banana left so I am saving it for a snack.
Daily Total: 285 calories
Just like yesterday, I will be in throughout the day to update.
Breakfast 7:45AM:
Maple and brown sugar oatmeal (made with water): 160 calories
1 tsp sugar: 15 calories
8oz apple juice: 110 calories
Breakfast total: 285 calories
I woke up later today than I did yesterday but I was still only midly hungry and fairly content emotionally. Yesterday I ate 175 more calories. I added less sugar and no butter to my oatmeal. I only have one banana left so I am saving it for a snack.
Daily Total: 285 calories
Just like yesterday, I will be in throughout the day to update.
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Picture Post 1/4/2011
There I am, looking very unhappy. My husband was goofing around while taking the picture, I asked him to take two I have 9. Those pictures are the last two.
My measurments are:
Bust: 42.5 in
Waist: 40 in
Hips: 47 in
Biceps: 14 in
Thigh: 20in
From now one I will be doing the pictures and measurements on Sunday's with the weigh-ins.
Just for fun here's one of the other pictures my husband took. If you couldn't tell I was thrilled with him at the time.
See you next time,
Marci
Food and Exercise Diary 1/4/2011
I will update this throughout the day. It's easier for me to transfer meals and exercise from my notebook to my blog as soon as possible so I don't forget.
Breakfast 6:00AM:
1 pack Quaker Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal(made with water): 160 Calories
2 tsp sugar: 30 calories
1 tbsp butter: 70 calories
1 small banana: 90 calories
8 oz apple juice: 110 calories
Breakfast total: 460 calories
I ate breakfast as soon as I woke up so I was mildly hungry and fairly content emotionally.
Snack #1 8:50AM:
1 small banana: 90 calories
2 tbsp peanut butter: 180 calories
8 oz water: 0 calories
Snack #1 total: 270 calories
I got a bit bored so I felt a little hungry but I don't know if I actually was or just tricked myself into thinking I was. I still feel a bit hungry now but I am trying to space my meals and snacks out so I am only eating every 3 hours. I guess that means lots of water between now and 12.
Lunch 12:00PM:
Handful of Doritos: 150 calories
2 Chicken Sandwiches: 620 calories
Fries: 150 calories
Can of Coke: 140 calories
Lunch Total: 1060 calories
So obviously I didn't do well at lunch time. I was so hungry when it came time to eat that I just ate everything I could. I was bored also so I am sure that played a part also. Lunch also almost put me over my calorie limit.
Snack #2 3:50PM:
1 pack Toast and peanut butter sandwich crackers: 190 calories
Can of Sprite: 140 calories
Snack #2 total: 330 calories
This snack wasn't awesome, could have been worse but for sure could have been better. I was a tad bit hungry and I definitely could have waited to eat. I seem to get very bored throughout the day and that's when I tend to be "hungry."
Dinner 5:15PM
Cheese Ravioli with Alfredo sauce: 350 calories
Sprite: 140 calories
Dinner total: 490 calories
Matt made dinner I wish he would have waited a bit but it's not a big deal. It wasn't and horrible amount of calories and it was tasty. Also although it was pretty close to my last snack I was pretty hungry, thankfully this time I didn't over eat.
Total for the day: 2610 calories
So obviously I went over my calories for the day. I'm not overly concerned though, I am going to keep the mentality that tomorrow is a new day and a clean slate. I don't want to let one day ruin everything like it has in the past.
Exercise 7:00PM:
Played Your Shape: Fitness Evolved for 20 minutes. I did a 10 minute boxing class and did the stepping and boxing games for the other 10 minutes.
Calories burned: 103 calories
After just 20 minutes of exercising I feel GREAT. I am totally happy with the results. This may not be the case but I feel like if I did just 10 minutes more I could have burned 150 calories or more. The only reason I stopped is because my knee started giving me issues. I am thinking I may start doing a session in the morning and one at night. I also drank 2 more glasses of water while working out so that's another positive to working out.
Up next the picture post.
See you there,
Marci
Breakfast 6:00AM:
1 pack Quaker Maple and Brown Sugar Oatmeal(made with water): 160 Calories
2 tsp sugar: 30 calories
1 tbsp butter: 70 calories
1 small banana: 90 calories
8 oz apple juice: 110 calories
Breakfast total: 460 calories
I ate breakfast as soon as I woke up so I was mildly hungry and fairly content emotionally.
Snack #1 8:50AM:
1 small banana: 90 calories
2 tbsp peanut butter: 180 calories
8 oz water: 0 calories
Snack #1 total: 270 calories
I got a bit bored so I felt a little hungry but I don't know if I actually was or just tricked myself into thinking I was. I still feel a bit hungry now but I am trying to space my meals and snacks out so I am only eating every 3 hours. I guess that means lots of water between now and 12.
Lunch 12:00PM:
Handful of Doritos: 150 calories
2 Chicken Sandwiches: 620 calories
Fries: 150 calories
Can of Coke: 140 calories
Lunch Total: 1060 calories
So obviously I didn't do well at lunch time. I was so hungry when it came time to eat that I just ate everything I could. I was bored also so I am sure that played a part also. Lunch also almost put me over my calorie limit.
Snack #2 3:50PM:
1 pack Toast and peanut butter sandwich crackers: 190 calories
Can of Sprite: 140 calories
Snack #2 total: 330 calories
This snack wasn't awesome, could have been worse but for sure could have been better. I was a tad bit hungry and I definitely could have waited to eat. I seem to get very bored throughout the day and that's when I tend to be "hungry."
Dinner 5:15PM
Cheese Ravioli with Alfredo sauce: 350 calories
Sprite: 140 calories
Dinner total: 490 calories
Matt made dinner I wish he would have waited a bit but it's not a big deal. It wasn't and horrible amount of calories and it was tasty. Also although it was pretty close to my last snack I was pretty hungry, thankfully this time I didn't over eat.
Total for the day: 2610 calories
So obviously I went over my calories for the day. I'm not overly concerned though, I am going to keep the mentality that tomorrow is a new day and a clean slate. I don't want to let one day ruin everything like it has in the past.
Exercise 7:00PM:
Played Your Shape: Fitness Evolved for 20 minutes. I did a 10 minute boxing class and did the stepping and boxing games for the other 10 minutes.
Calories burned: 103 calories
After just 20 minutes of exercising I feel GREAT. I am totally happy with the results. This may not be the case but I feel like if I did just 10 minutes more I could have burned 150 calories or more. The only reason I stopped is because my knee started giving me issues. I am thinking I may start doing a session in the morning and one at night. I also drank 2 more glasses of water while working out so that's another positive to working out.
Up next the picture post.
See you there,
Marci
Monday, January 3, 2011
Feeling Down
It seems odd that it's just day 2 and I am so down about my weight. 221 seems like such a big number. Even my first goal of losing 30 pounds seems like such a big feat. I almost feel defeated and I haven't even started. I have to remind myself why I am doing this! I need to come up with a way to hold myself accountable!
So Why am I doing this? Why does this weight NEED to come off? Why is this so important to me? We will start with my marriage. It isn't at it's best right now and I know part of the problem is the lack of intimacy. I don't feel the slightest bit attractive, let alone sexy. That makes it hard to be intimate... I apologize if it's too much information but it isn't pleasant to constantly be thinking about how unattractive you are when your husband obviously wants you to feel otherwise. Next we can talk about my son. Even at just 8.5 months old I can already tell he will be an active little boy. He loves to be the center of attention and he loves to move. He is already a bit of a handful but a wonderfully fun handful. It makes me so sad to think of how things may be when he's older and mommy can't play because she is too winded or moves to slow. Last I can tell you about my confidence. Everyday I go out in jeans and a hoodie or t-shirt, not because I don't have cute clothes (I do have plenty of cute clothes) but because I don't feel like anything looks good on me. I don't bother with hair and make up because I feel like the rest of me looks bad so why bother with my hair or make up.
Those are 3 great reasons I know I need to do this. As for keeping myself accountable I have a small plan for that also. Starting tomorrow I am going to keep a food diary and I will also be posting it on here. I will also do the same with exercise. Also starting tomorrow I will post a current picture of myself every Tuesday. It won't be a picture I've tried to make just right so I hide all the unsatisfactory parts. It will be a picture that shows all parts of me, good and bad.
Well that's the plan for my big change we will see how it goes!
Until next time,
Marci
So Why am I doing this? Why does this weight NEED to come off? Why is this so important to me? We will start with my marriage. It isn't at it's best right now and I know part of the problem is the lack of intimacy. I don't feel the slightest bit attractive, let alone sexy. That makes it hard to be intimate... I apologize if it's too much information but it isn't pleasant to constantly be thinking about how unattractive you are when your husband obviously wants you to feel otherwise. Next we can talk about my son. Even at just 8.5 months old I can already tell he will be an active little boy. He loves to be the center of attention and he loves to move. He is already a bit of a handful but a wonderfully fun handful. It makes me so sad to think of how things may be when he's older and mommy can't play because she is too winded or moves to slow. Last I can tell you about my confidence. Everyday I go out in jeans and a hoodie or t-shirt, not because I don't have cute clothes (I do have plenty of cute clothes) but because I don't feel like anything looks good on me. I don't bother with hair and make up because I feel like the rest of me looks bad so why bother with my hair or make up.
Those are 3 great reasons I know I need to do this. As for keeping myself accountable I have a small plan for that also. Starting tomorrow I am going to keep a food diary and I will also be posting it on here. I will also do the same with exercise. Also starting tomorrow I will post a current picture of myself every Tuesday. It won't be a picture I've tried to make just right so I hide all the unsatisfactory parts. It will be a picture that shows all parts of me, good and bad.
Well that's the plan for my big change we will see how it goes!
Until next time,
Marci
Sunday, January 2, 2011
New Year, New Me
I know the title of this post is SUCH a cliche but that's my goal: a new me in the new year.
Weight has been a struggle for me since I was 12. I was told by my then step-mother that I needed to go on a diet. Her comment came after I was trying on some clothes that were given to us by another family with a 12 year old girl and NONE of them fit. They were all little girl sizes and I was in Juniors sizes. I immediately went to my room and started digging through clothes and tried on EVERY pair of little girls sized pants I had and finally found a pair that I could button. I was so excited, I couldn't breathe but they buttoned. I waddled (because waddling was the only way I was getting anywhere in those jeans) out to show my step mother. "Look! They fit!" I piratically screamed. She laughed and pointed out what I already knew, they buttoned but they didn't fit. I waddled back to my room, peeled the pants off, and laid on my bed a cried. Once I was done crying and was sure she wasn't still out there, I ran to the pantry, where Little Debbie helped me drown my sorrows.
Middle School was torture for me. I remember the day of my 7th grade Valentine's Dance more than anything. It was the first dance I had actually gotten all dolled up for. Since the dance started at 3 and we were released from class at 2:45, I wore my dance outfit to school. It was a red plaid skirt with a red turtle neck sweater, I really thought I looked good. Apparently not everyone thought I did. I was sitting in my English class and raised my hand to ask a question and heard the guy next to me start giggling. I thought he was chatting with his friend but once the teacher answered my question and I went back to work, he tapped me on the shoulder. I thought he had a question about the work, he didn't. He just wanted to make sure I knew not to raise my hand anymore because my fat "toppled" out when I did. He even included the sound that he imagined my fat made. I considered not going to the dance but how would I explain that to my mom?
Middle School was bad but High School was worse. I had the "bad luck" to choose a gorgeous best friend. Her 110 pounds was soo tiny compared to my 130 pounds. We spent our summers at the pool. She never wore anything but a bikini, I made sure my stomach was covered with a one piece or tankini. One day we were sitting at a table by the pool with the guys we always hung out with. One came up with a way to make the pool even better, to get rid of the fat people. Then he said, "We can start here at this table." I knew before he went any further he was talking about me, but he made it clear when he went around the table saying "You can stay" to everyone but me. He told me, "you can go." I was so hurt. I hung out with this guy almost every day and he was telling me the pool would be better without me all because I was "fat."
The thing I realize now is 130 was not fat for me. I was 5'7" and 130 was actually a healthy weight for me. I look at the pictures from back then and now I like how I looked. Sure I could have used some toning but I didn't look bad at all. So 130 is my ultimate goal. I also have a couple smaller weight loss goals and fitness and eating goals.
Weight Loss Goals:
Current weight: 221lbs
Goal 1: 190lbs by April 15th (my son's Birthday)
Goal 2: 160lbs by August 23rd (My 3rd wedding anniversary)
Total Goal: 130lbs by January 1st 2012
Fitness Goals:
Run a mile
Do 100 sit ups
Do 100 push ups
Eating/Food Goals:
Eat 1500-1800 calories a day
Drink 64oz of water
Cook from scratch 4 times a week
I have to be honest here and say this week my food goals won't be met because we just went grocery shopping and didn't get a lot of healthy options and we don't have the money in the budget to go shopping again.
See you next time!
Marci
Weight has been a struggle for me since I was 12. I was told by my then step-mother that I needed to go on a diet. Her comment came after I was trying on some clothes that were given to us by another family with a 12 year old girl and NONE of them fit. They were all little girl sizes and I was in Juniors sizes. I immediately went to my room and started digging through clothes and tried on EVERY pair of little girls sized pants I had and finally found a pair that I could button. I was so excited, I couldn't breathe but they buttoned. I waddled (because waddling was the only way I was getting anywhere in those jeans) out to show my step mother. "Look! They fit!" I piratically screamed. She laughed and pointed out what I already knew, they buttoned but they didn't fit. I waddled back to my room, peeled the pants off, and laid on my bed a cried. Once I was done crying and was sure she wasn't still out there, I ran to the pantry, where Little Debbie helped me drown my sorrows.
Middle School was torture for me. I remember the day of my 7th grade Valentine's Dance more than anything. It was the first dance I had actually gotten all dolled up for. Since the dance started at 3 and we were released from class at 2:45, I wore my dance outfit to school. It was a red plaid skirt with a red turtle neck sweater, I really thought I looked good. Apparently not everyone thought I did. I was sitting in my English class and raised my hand to ask a question and heard the guy next to me start giggling. I thought he was chatting with his friend but once the teacher answered my question and I went back to work, he tapped me on the shoulder. I thought he had a question about the work, he didn't. He just wanted to make sure I knew not to raise my hand anymore because my fat "toppled" out when I did. He even included the sound that he imagined my fat made. I considered not going to the dance but how would I explain that to my mom?
Middle School was bad but High School was worse. I had the "bad luck" to choose a gorgeous best friend. Her 110 pounds was soo tiny compared to my 130 pounds. We spent our summers at the pool. She never wore anything but a bikini, I made sure my stomach was covered with a one piece or tankini. One day we were sitting at a table by the pool with the guys we always hung out with. One came up with a way to make the pool even better, to get rid of the fat people. Then he said, "We can start here at this table." I knew before he went any further he was talking about me, but he made it clear when he went around the table saying "You can stay" to everyone but me. He told me, "you can go." I was so hurt. I hung out with this guy almost every day and he was telling me the pool would be better without me all because I was "fat."
The thing I realize now is 130 was not fat for me. I was 5'7" and 130 was actually a healthy weight for me. I look at the pictures from back then and now I like how I looked. Sure I could have used some toning but I didn't look bad at all. So 130 is my ultimate goal. I also have a couple smaller weight loss goals and fitness and eating goals.
Weight Loss Goals:
Current weight: 221lbs
Goal 1: 190lbs by April 15th (my son's Birthday)
Goal 2: 160lbs by August 23rd (My 3rd wedding anniversary)
Total Goal: 130lbs by January 1st 2012
Fitness Goals:
Run a mile
Do 100 sit ups
Do 100 push ups
Eating/Food Goals:
Eat 1500-1800 calories a day
Drink 64oz of water
Cook from scratch 4 times a week
I have to be honest here and say this week my food goals won't be met because we just went grocery shopping and didn't get a lot of healthy options and we don't have the money in the budget to go shopping again.
See you next time!
Marci
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