Dear Co-worker (and Mother in Law)

PLEASE do not ask me what I am having for lunch and then say, "Yuck" followed up with gagging sounds. It is not polite and is highly aggravating! I don't say Yuck when you are having salad for the umpteenth time. I would appreciate the same courtesy. Thanks Marci!

Photo Callenge Day 3

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

In case you couldn't tell, this is the cast of Lost. I was/am addicted to this show. The show ended last May just after CJ was born. I could talk about this show for hours. I wasn't so interested in figuring out what was going on as much as I was into watching their stories unfold. I am in the minority when I say I think the ending was great. It was the best way to give the story a "happy" ending. This picture has most of my favorites: Charlie, Desmond and Hurley are in this picture, Rose and Bernard are not and they were probably my favorite out of the whole cast and they weren't even main characters.

Photo Challenge Day 2

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

These are two of my very good friends. From the left: Kathy, Heather, Me. I have known Heather since the 7th grade and we have been friend since 8th grade. Kathy and I have been friends since Heather started working with her in 10th grade. I can tell them anything. They have been with me through some of the toughest times in my life. They honestly have been there to hold me together when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

Photo Challenge Day 1

So This is a couple days late but hopefully I can make up the posts today :)

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

(This is a REALLY old picture, but it's all I could find of just me that is newer than 2002)

15 Facts about me:

1. I hate Ranch dressing. I find it disgusting and it makes me gag just smelling it.


2. I also HATE roller coasters, I tried to go on one in 2005 and had a panic attack in the middle of the ride. It was awful to ride the rest of it not being able to catch my breath and have tears streaming down my face.


3. Even with my fear of roller coasters I really really really want to go to Disney world.


4. I have an almost 1 year old little boy :)


5. I have a really hard talking about myself, which is odd since I have a blog.


6. I can bend my thumb backwards and lay it flat on my wrist.


7. I met my husband because he had a crush on my little sister, She is now dating his older brother... How odd is that?


8. I believe 100% in fate, it goes along with knowing that God has a plan for me!


9. I miss my Granny more than I ever though I could. She was simply AMAZING! If I could "grow up" and be like anyone it would be her, hands down.


10. I am very awkward when it comes to serious situations. I never know what to say or how to not sound stupid.


11. I have ADD. I was diagnosed in the 1st grade and "grew out of it" in the third grade after being on adult doses of the medication 3 times a day for 2 years, it still doesn't make sense to me, so I still say I have it, I'm just unmedicated.


12. I am working really hard at becoming closer to God. It's very hard some days but I am trying my hardest to put all my trust in Him.


13. When I was a teenager all my friends couldn't wait to leave my hometown, but I always wanted to stay there.


14. I wish I could be a paid stay at home mom. I have wanted my whole life just to be a mom and raise a family but unfortunately bills have to be paid so I work.


15. I am sure by reading this you have already figured this out but I am really bad with grammar and punctuation. I am the run-on sentence/random period queen.

30 Day picture challenge

I am jumping on the bandwagon! Yall may have seen this on Facebook but I am going to do it on my blog instead. Here is the list:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night.

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

I will make a new post for day 1 since it will be kind of long :D

Back When....

I have a habit. I wouldn't say it's a bad or a good habit. In fact I am not sure this even qualifies as a habit but it's something I do ALOT. Whenever I am alone I tend to think about High School and the years before I met Matt. It's hard for me to not to be a little sad about those times. A lot of the people who were my "Best Friends" I don't even speak to anymore. Not because we are angry with each other or anything interesting. We've just grown apart. I can think of 100 different scenarios when I could have/should have/would have done things different. My how my life would have changed if I had. Time for a short trip down memory lane.

This is Prom 2004. That's me on the right and my "Best Friend" Ami on the left. We both went alone, well with each other really. Ami was single (If I remember correctly) and my boyfriend wasn't allowed to go. (Don't ask why, It's not a story I want to get into right now). I got ready at her house, her mom did my hair. I love how this picture looks like with both have little to no make up on. I can assure you we had way more than enough on. That was a GREAT night. In the back on the mantel you can see a picture of her brother who became another one of my "best friends." In 2005 I could have went to prom with him. I didn't. I should have and I would have if I hadn't gotten back together with my boyfriend (the same one who wasn't allowed at this prom). I can only imagine the way things would have changed if I went with him. I don't speak to either of them, although they are both my friends on Facebook. I like getting little updates on there lives but at the same time it makes me a little sad. This picture is from 2002. I LOVE it. It's my absolute favorite picture of me. It reminds me of that summer. I was going to be a sophomore when I started school in the fall and I spent every day I could at my "Best Friend's" house, which is where this picture was taken. I can remember when this was taken. I am pretty sure I was either going to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get more food. She happened to take this picture at just the perfect time. This is a different "best friend" than the one in the prom picture. At one point we were all 3 best friends, at one point I wasn't friends with either of them. Now me and this "best friend" are just friends. I see sometimes, sometimes I don't. I still love her to pieces but I don't tell her EVERYTHING like I used to.

I feel like the growing apart is the downside to "growing up."

There are days when I want to go back to high school. Just so I can have some of my favorite people back. I don't want you to think I would trade my little boy for anything but I wish I could have done things different so he could have that many more people to love him. It makes me sad to think that people who were such an big part of history don't have such a big part in my present but in a way it's a happy kind of sad.

Thought I would share this!

Wow two posts in two days...must be a record for my blog :D

I thought I would share one of the ways we are trying to save some money. That is using cloth diapers. We are still VERY new to this and currently we only use Econobum prefolds with covers. To be honest we are actually using more disposables than cloth at the moment. We haven't exactly found our groove when it comes to cloth. I did find a calculator and if we ever get switched over to JUST cloth we would save around 800 dollars in a year, if you ask me that's a big deal. 800 dollars is a whole month of rent, electric, cable and car insurance for us. I try to imagine not having to worry about all those bills for a whole month whenever I am discouraged.

On that same note, my very good friend has her own cloth diaper business. She makes the cutest little diapers I've ever seen (and I'm not just saying that cause I love her to pieces, they REALLY are cute). For the next couple weeks she has a few AWESOME ways to save when you shop at her store, including a 10% off code! She is currently running a giveaway for an AI2 as well. You guys simply HAVE to check out the cuteness that is Viva La Fluff.

Here is the link to her Facebook and her store!

Miracles

Hello again. Just a quick follow up on my last post. I did not go to the doctor. I've convinced myself that, for now, I'm fine. It's probably not the "right" thing to do but it's what I need to do for now.

On to what I came here to post about. When I went to bed last night I was down about our current financial situation so I prayed and I prayed HARD. I can honestly say until last night, when it came to praying, I was doing it wrong. Last night I asked, no begged, God to just show me the way. I begged for wisdom and guidance. I asked him to please show me the way to get out of this mess. Then I stayed awake and thought about the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miracles book I have (I'll get back to this part). Eventually I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and just like I do every morning right after I got dressed and got my things together for work, I got on Facebook. One of the first statuses I read was: "For I know the plans I have for you" Declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I know God was speaking to me and I heard him loud and clear... For a while. As the day went on two things happened. Before I tell you those things...let me first tell you I am fully aware this is jealousy pure and simple. The first thing that happened was my future sister in law posted something about getting some Vibram Five Fingers. For those of you who don't know, they are some kind of shoe but it gives you a barefoot feeling or something like that. The thing is...My brother and sister in law are struggling just like Matt and I, but we can't even spare enough to get shoes like that. I would love to get a new pair of ANY kind of shoes but I have tennis shoes and flip flops that are in next to perfect condition, so no fancy shoes for me. If I want to feel barefoot, I'll walk around barefoot I suppose. The Second thing is my sister bought a new car. She lives my mom and is also ALWAYS complaining about not having money. I tried really hard not to be angry or jealous but I couldn't help it. I just sat at work and stewed on the fact that we are struggling, truly struggling and here are these two people who claim to be in the same boat yet they can afford extra stuff. My sister told me she needed a new car because hers doesn't have air conditioning. My car doesn't either, the head liner is falling down, it only half way has heat, my seats don't adjust and the list goes on and on. BUT my car runs. It goes where I want it to go and that's all I need it to do. I would love a new car and today I tried to convince myself I needed one...but I don't, couldn't afford one if I did. So I got home sad and depressed. Hubby left work and I got up to make dinner. Here is where the book of miracles comes in. As I lay in bed last night I kept thinking about a story where a couple was struggling and there last gallon of milk lasted for 20 cups instead of 16 or something similar. As I was making dinner I went to the fridge to get the milk. I look at what was left and thought "There is no way this is a cup let alone 1 and 3/4 cup. " I tried anyway thinking that if it wasn't enough I'd make due with what I had. I measured it out half a cup at time and wouldn't you know it, it was exactly 1 and 3/4th cups. Maybe it's a stretch but if you ask me, God was proving a point. I may not have all I want but I have all I need.

PS: I fixed the major spelling errors, hopefully that makes this more readable... I have no clue I spelt Mircales correct in the title but nowhere in the rest of the post.

Getting help

As you could probably tell from my previous post I am having some issues. The not fun, feeling crazy kind of issues. However until this morning it hadn't occurred to me that maybe I needed to get some help.

This morning I woke up not just tired but "sad." I use the word sad here because that's what it felt like but since I was just waking up and haven't had any "sad" events in my life lately there really was no reason to be sad. Depressed may have worked but I wasn't just feeling down I was feeling like crying as if I had lost my best friend. With this sad feeling I got up, got dressed and went to work. Around 7:20 my Boss/MIL texted to tell me she would be working from home today. Which enough to bring me to tears because "It's just not fair."

Let me stop here and say until about 3 weeks ago I was working from home with my baby everyday. Then my family moved back home to be closer to our extended family, thinking it would be best for our son. It was then decided I have to come in to work. I was disappointed, very disappointed but I do it.

Back on track: Even with that tid bit of info above, I knew crying because life's not fair was an irrational response. It was at that point I realized I tend to have irrational emotional responses to many things. Such as my husband asking me to throw something away, I know he's not calling me lazy but I feel like he is. Things like that make me feel like something isn't right. In my head I know after the fact that the response is inappropriate but in the moment it feels right enough that I try to defend it.

So Monday I have an appointment to talk with a doctor about depression. I am so nervous. It is hard not to feel crazy. I am not sure exactly what will be done for me. I worry about medication simply because birth control throws me way out of wack and that makes me wonder about other medications meant to effect moods. Even with these concerns I know it's a step in the right direction.

Life is hard.

I don't know any other way to explain other than life is hard. I am trying to make things better but I honestly feel like I am fighting a losing battle. However I know that is simply not the case. I can't be trying so hard just to be losing. I know my previous post was all about trying to be happy and it was actually somewhat positive but I am finding it hard to be optimistic. I feel like I am just floating through everything...almost disconnected. I am just having such a hard time and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like at this point my husband and I have just lost any sense of relationship. He's been telling me things he needs me to do in order to get our relationship back on track and I've been doing them but it's not helping anything. We can't even deciede on what to eat with out him getting aggrivated. I don't know what to do. I just need an answer...Where do I go from here?

The Key

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success." -Herman Cain

After doing some serious soul searching this weekend, I have decided to put the weight loss journey on hold until further notice. I have put some serious thought into all aspects of my life and I know I have to figure some things out before I can focus on other areas in my life. I really have to work on making myself happy first and foremost.

I have to learn that I more than just a wife and a mother. I don't have let my entire life focus on just those two things. Although I love being a mother and being a wife, that's not all I have to be and that's not all I have to do. I have to let myself leave CJ at home with Matt sometimes. I have to make time to have girls nights and time with my sisters. I have to teach myself that is possible to still be a good mother and to get a baby sitter every now and then. I need to learn that my Family can still be my priority even when I am not with them. I don't have to lose who I am just because I've gained a family.

I hope this isn't coming off wrong. I love my boys more than anything... and that's the "problem." I have to love myself just as much as I love them. They can be the center of my world but I have to be the center of my world too.

This week I am going to work on putting my self in first place (even if it's shared with my boys.)
Monday I have a meeting at the community college to get things ready for going in the fall.
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are work days this week.
Friday or Saturday night Matt and I will have a date night and the opposite night I think I will have a girls night with my sister.
Sunday is Church :)
Wednesday is completely open!! Maybe I will work on a scrap book or paint my nails...or BOTH!

I am hoping my plans stick!

Wish me luck!
Marci