What I wanted

Forgive me guys this is going to be a long one.

First I should say that I really wanted to be a positive and upbeat blog, like many of the other "Mommy" blogs out there. However, It seems I decieded to really get into putting my thoughts online at a point in my life that wasn't all roses and sunshine. So I attempted to fake it or at least somewhat avoid it with the 30 Photo Challenge...You all see how that ended up. 3 days into it I quit. It isn't because I don't have "happy" feelings or I don't have a positive disposition (ask my friends they can tell you I do) it's just that at this point in my life the good things are great and the bad things feel awful. The awful feelings seem to dominate so that's what I post. This isn't anywhere close to what I wanted for my blog but I guess it's what I needed it to be. If that's the reason I only have 1 follower, then so be it. This blog is real, these are my emotions, and as much as I wish they were happier, for now it is what it is.

I keep reflecting on the past, high school, and even just a few months ago. I can honestly say I had big dreams. Not big in the sense that I wanted to CEO of a company or I wanted to be some kind of hotshot or anything. Just big in the sense that I had plans for what I wanted and what would make me happy. I thought I was heading in that direction I am starting to feel like I was wrong. I ended the 4 year relationship with Mr. Awful and married who I thought would be my forever. After 3 years living an hour from home we moved back because it is where we thought we should be. I had a job where I could work at home with my baby and made plans to go back to school. Well things have changed like the always do. When we moved back home we crunched numbers and planned, we knew what we could afford so we found a place in that range. Not even a month after we moved I was told I couldn't work from home anymore even though I had worked at home for over a year with no problem. Then my hours got cut and we still have to pay for a home phone that doesn't get used. It's 360 dollars to cut it off because it's a breach of contract. We bought a desktop computer for me to work on days before I was told I couldn't work from home. Things like that can't be returned once they've been opened. It does get used but we didn't need it. Needless to say, now we struggle. Not in the sense that we can't afford extra but in the sense that we have to borrow money from my mom to get by. Matt has to stay in Paducah every night he can so we can save the money on gas. I work most weekends because he is off and this way we don't have to pay for childcare. We stretch 1 week of groceries to two. We don't eat fast food because we don't have the extra 6 bucks that would cost. I'm not sure I will go back to school because it looks like I won't get any aid Even if we had a payment plan, we wouldn't be able to afford it. I'm still not sure how we are going to get everything for CJ's first birthday party next Saturday.

Things are so hard right now. The stress is making me feel crazy. I forget things, important things like my little step-sister walking over to our house after school. Do you know how it feels to get a call saying you forgot a 12 year old? Let me just say it's awful. On top of that I get reminded of it often by my husband.

There are days when I don't know how I will make it to the end of the day. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. We had to borrow more money, I of course have to be the one telling my mom that we need help. I got horrible score on my monitoring at work. I got home and tried to talk to Matt about a handful of different things and got ignored because he was playing xbox. To say I felt alone is an understatement. Then our downstairs neighbor told us CJ walking in his walker is too loud. I could handle each thing separately but all of them at the same time is too much.

I know eventually we will come out of this period in our lives but it's hard when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.