Back When....

I have a habit. I wouldn't say it's a bad or a good habit. In fact I am not sure this even qualifies as a habit but it's something I do ALOT. Whenever I am alone I tend to think about High School and the years before I met Matt. It's hard for me to not to be a little sad about those times. A lot of the people who were my "Best Friends" I don't even speak to anymore. Not because we are angry with each other or anything interesting. We've just grown apart. I can think of 100 different scenarios when I could have/should have/would have done things different. My how my life would have changed if I had. Time for a short trip down memory lane.

This is Prom 2004. That's me on the right and my "Best Friend" Ami on the left. We both went alone, well with each other really. Ami was single (If I remember correctly) and my boyfriend wasn't allowed to go. (Don't ask why, It's not a story I want to get into right now). I got ready at her house, her mom did my hair. I love how this picture looks like with both have little to no make up on. I can assure you we had way more than enough on. That was a GREAT night. In the back on the mantel you can see a picture of her brother who became another one of my "best friends." In 2005 I could have went to prom with him. I didn't. I should have and I would have if I hadn't gotten back together with my boyfriend (the same one who wasn't allowed at this prom). I can only imagine the way things would have changed if I went with him. I don't speak to either of them, although they are both my friends on Facebook. I like getting little updates on there lives but at the same time it makes me a little sad. This picture is from 2002. I LOVE it. It's my absolute favorite picture of me. It reminds me of that summer. I was going to be a sophomore when I started school in the fall and I spent every day I could at my "Best Friend's" house, which is where this picture was taken. I can remember when this was taken. I am pretty sure I was either going to the bathroom or to the kitchen to get more food. She happened to take this picture at just the perfect time. This is a different "best friend" than the one in the prom picture. At one point we were all 3 best friends, at one point I wasn't friends with either of them. Now me and this "best friend" are just friends. I see sometimes, sometimes I don't. I still love her to pieces but I don't tell her EVERYTHING like I used to.

I feel like the growing apart is the downside to "growing up."

There are days when I want to go back to high school. Just so I can have some of my favorite people back. I don't want you to think I would trade my little boy for anything but I wish I could have done things different so he could have that many more people to love him. It makes me sad to think that people who were such an big part of history don't have such a big part in my present but in a way it's a happy kind of sad.

Thought I would share this!

Wow two posts in two days...must be a record for my blog :D

I thought I would share one of the ways we are trying to save some money. That is using cloth diapers. We are still VERY new to this and currently we only use Econobum prefolds with covers. To be honest we are actually using more disposables than cloth at the moment. We haven't exactly found our groove when it comes to cloth. I did find a calculator and if we ever get switched over to JUST cloth we would save around 800 dollars in a year, if you ask me that's a big deal. 800 dollars is a whole month of rent, electric, cable and car insurance for us. I try to imagine not having to worry about all those bills for a whole month whenever I am discouraged.

On that same note, my very good friend has her own cloth diaper business. She makes the cutest little diapers I've ever seen (and I'm not just saying that cause I love her to pieces, they REALLY are cute). For the next couple weeks she has a few AWESOME ways to save when you shop at her store, including a 10% off code! She is currently running a giveaway for an AI2 as well. You guys simply HAVE to check out the cuteness that is Viva La Fluff.

Here is the link to her Facebook and her store!

Miracles

Hello again. Just a quick follow up on my last post. I did not go to the doctor. I've convinced myself that, for now, I'm fine. It's probably not the "right" thing to do but it's what I need to do for now.

On to what I came here to post about. When I went to bed last night I was down about our current financial situation so I prayed and I prayed HARD. I can honestly say until last night, when it came to praying, I was doing it wrong. Last night I asked, no begged, God to just show me the way. I begged for wisdom and guidance. I asked him to please show me the way to get out of this mess. Then I stayed awake and thought about the Chicken Soup for the Soul: Miracles book I have (I'll get back to this part). Eventually I fell asleep. I woke up this morning and just like I do every morning right after I got dressed and got my things together for work, I got on Facebook. One of the first statuses I read was: "For I know the plans I have for you" Declares the Lord,"plans to prosper you and not harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." Jeremiah 29:11. I know God was speaking to me and I heard him loud and clear... For a while. As the day went on two things happened. Before I tell you those things...let me first tell you I am fully aware this is jealousy pure and simple. The first thing that happened was my future sister in law posted something about getting some Vibram Five Fingers. For those of you who don't know, they are some kind of shoe but it gives you a barefoot feeling or something like that. The thing is...My brother and sister in law are struggling just like Matt and I, but we can't even spare enough to get shoes like that. I would love to get a new pair of ANY kind of shoes but I have tennis shoes and flip flops that are in next to perfect condition, so no fancy shoes for me. If I want to feel barefoot, I'll walk around barefoot I suppose. The Second thing is my sister bought a new car. She lives my mom and is also ALWAYS complaining about not having money. I tried really hard not to be angry or jealous but I couldn't help it. I just sat at work and stewed on the fact that we are struggling, truly struggling and here are these two people who claim to be in the same boat yet they can afford extra stuff. My sister told me she needed a new car because hers doesn't have air conditioning. My car doesn't either, the head liner is falling down, it only half way has heat, my seats don't adjust and the list goes on and on. BUT my car runs. It goes where I want it to go and that's all I need it to do. I would love a new car and today I tried to convince myself I needed one...but I don't, couldn't afford one if I did. So I got home sad and depressed. Hubby left work and I got up to make dinner. Here is where the book of miracles comes in. As I lay in bed last night I kept thinking about a story where a couple was struggling and there last gallon of milk lasted for 20 cups instead of 16 or something similar. As I was making dinner I went to the fridge to get the milk. I look at what was left and thought "There is no way this is a cup let alone 1 and 3/4 cup. " I tried anyway thinking that if it wasn't enough I'd make due with what I had. I measured it out half a cup at time and wouldn't you know it, it was exactly 1 and 3/4th cups. Maybe it's a stretch but if you ask me, God was proving a point. I may not have all I want but I have all I need.

PS: I fixed the major spelling errors, hopefully that makes this more readable... I have no clue I spelt Mircales correct in the title but nowhere in the rest of the post.

Getting help

As you could probably tell from my previous post I am having some issues. The not fun, feeling crazy kind of issues. However until this morning it hadn't occurred to me that maybe I needed to get some help.

This morning I woke up not just tired but "sad." I use the word sad here because that's what it felt like but since I was just waking up and haven't had any "sad" events in my life lately there really was no reason to be sad. Depressed may have worked but I wasn't just feeling down I was feeling like crying as if I had lost my best friend. With this sad feeling I got up, got dressed and went to work. Around 7:20 my Boss/MIL texted to tell me she would be working from home today. Which enough to bring me to tears because "It's just not fair."

Let me stop here and say until about 3 weeks ago I was working from home with my baby everyday. Then my family moved back home to be closer to our extended family, thinking it would be best for our son. It was then decided I have to come in to work. I was disappointed, very disappointed but I do it.

Back on track: Even with that tid bit of info above, I knew crying because life's not fair was an irrational response. It was at that point I realized I tend to have irrational emotional responses to many things. Such as my husband asking me to throw something away, I know he's not calling me lazy but I feel like he is. Things like that make me feel like something isn't right. In my head I know after the fact that the response is inappropriate but in the moment it feels right enough that I try to defend it.

So Monday I have an appointment to talk with a doctor about depression. I am so nervous. It is hard not to feel crazy. I am not sure exactly what will be done for me. I worry about medication simply because birth control throws me way out of wack and that makes me wonder about other medications meant to effect moods. Even with these concerns I know it's a step in the right direction.

Life is hard.

I don't know any other way to explain other than life is hard. I am trying to make things better but I honestly feel like I am fighting a losing battle. However I know that is simply not the case. I can't be trying so hard just to be losing. I know my previous post was all about trying to be happy and it was actually somewhat positive but I am finding it hard to be optimistic. I feel like I am just floating through everything...almost disconnected. I am just having such a hard time and I don't know where to go from here. I feel like at this point my husband and I have just lost any sense of relationship. He's been telling me things he needs me to do in order to get our relationship back on track and I've been doing them but it's not helping anything. We can't even deciede on what to eat with out him getting aggrivated. I don't know what to do. I just need an answer...Where do I go from here?

The Key

"Success is not the key to happiness. Happiness is the key to success." -Herman Cain

After doing some serious soul searching this weekend, I have decided to put the weight loss journey on hold until further notice. I have put some serious thought into all aspects of my life and I know I have to figure some things out before I can focus on other areas in my life. I really have to work on making myself happy first and foremost.

I have to learn that I more than just a wife and a mother. I don't have let my entire life focus on just those two things. Although I love being a mother and being a wife, that's not all I have to be and that's not all I have to do. I have to let myself leave CJ at home with Matt sometimes. I have to make time to have girls nights and time with my sisters. I have to teach myself that is possible to still be a good mother and to get a baby sitter every now and then. I need to learn that my Family can still be my priority even when I am not with them. I don't have to lose who I am just because I've gained a family.

I hope this isn't coming off wrong. I love my boys more than anything... and that's the "problem." I have to love myself just as much as I love them. They can be the center of my world but I have to be the center of my world too.

This week I am going to work on putting my self in first place (even if it's shared with my boys.)
Monday I have a meeting at the community college to get things ready for going in the fall.
Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday are work days this week.
Friday or Saturday night Matt and I will have a date night and the opposite night I think I will have a girls night with my sister.
Sunday is Church :)
Wednesday is completely open!! Maybe I will work on a scrap book or paint my nails...or BOTH!

I am hoping my plans stick!

Wish me luck!
Marci

Climbing steep hills.

I thought I'd start this post with a weigh-in.

On Sunday I weighed 226.

Two Hundred Twenty Six pounds. WOW. That number seems sooo big to me. More than big it seems so unhealthy. I was so down about that number. I felt like I had tried so hard and got nothing. Then I dwelled on it and kept thinking about that stinking number. And lost track of what I was supposed to be doing. I went a whole day without 1 ounce of water, I didn't walk and I spent the whole day beating myself up about it. Then I woke up today, took a shower, brushed my teeth and hair and thought...What good am I doing if I dwell on everything I did wrong or everything that went wrong? What about the fact that I walked at least 2 miles 5 days last week or that I drank more water than I EVER have before? That is a pretty big deal right? While my weight didn't melt off of me like I thought it should have it didn't increase and in my book we are going to call that a win for this week :)

I went yesterday and bought my goal dress. It's a super cute size 11 strapless dress. Also it was only 10 bucks so that makes it even better. I have no clue where I would wear but I will definitely find somewhere to where once I am down to that size. When I get to that Size I'll buy something else in a size 5 for my ultimate goal :)

In other news:

My employer is switching all sorts of things around on me. I am trying to be optimistic but it is just not working. I am going from working at home and being with my son all day to working in office for less hours. We are seriously struggling to figure out how we will make this work. Less hours plus gas money to go to and from the office will make money very tight. We can't turn off our phone for another year and we won't use it since I'm not at home working anymore. I thought about getting a second job but it would be next to impossible to find a day care that will work for us since I would need them from 5:15 am until 1:30ish just on Tuesdays and Thursday then some nights if I get a second job. I am working on other ways to save like couponing and I am thinking of doing a direct sales type job also but I didn't do very well with Avon so I'm not sure how I'd do with something different.

This week I am going to work on walking more, drinking less soda and look into what I can do to save/bring in more money.

Wish me luck

PS: My title came from this quote.
To climb steep hills requires slow pace at first.
~William Shakespeare
I would definitely say I have some steep hills to climb :)