What I wanted

Forgive me guys this is going to be a long one.

First I should say that I really wanted to be a positive and upbeat blog, like many of the other "Mommy" blogs out there. However, It seems I decieded to really get into putting my thoughts online at a point in my life that wasn't all roses and sunshine. So I attempted to fake it or at least somewhat avoid it with the 30 Photo Challenge...You all see how that ended up. 3 days into it I quit. It isn't because I don't have "happy" feelings or I don't have a positive disposition (ask my friends they can tell you I do) it's just that at this point in my life the good things are great and the bad things feel awful. The awful feelings seem to dominate so that's what I post. This isn't anywhere close to what I wanted for my blog but I guess it's what I needed it to be. If that's the reason I only have 1 follower, then so be it. This blog is real, these are my emotions, and as much as I wish they were happier, for now it is what it is.

I keep reflecting on the past, high school, and even just a few months ago. I can honestly say I had big dreams. Not big in the sense that I wanted to CEO of a company or I wanted to be some kind of hotshot or anything. Just big in the sense that I had plans for what I wanted and what would make me happy. I thought I was heading in that direction I am starting to feel like I was wrong. I ended the 4 year relationship with Mr. Awful and married who I thought would be my forever. After 3 years living an hour from home we moved back because it is where we thought we should be. I had a job where I could work at home with my baby and made plans to go back to school. Well things have changed like the always do. When we moved back home we crunched numbers and planned, we knew what we could afford so we found a place in that range. Not even a month after we moved I was told I couldn't work from home anymore even though I had worked at home for over a year with no problem. Then my hours got cut and we still have to pay for a home phone that doesn't get used. It's 360 dollars to cut it off because it's a breach of contract. We bought a desktop computer for me to work on days before I was told I couldn't work from home. Things like that can't be returned once they've been opened. It does get used but we didn't need it. Needless to say, now we struggle. Not in the sense that we can't afford extra but in the sense that we have to borrow money from my mom to get by. Matt has to stay in Paducah every night he can so we can save the money on gas. I work most weekends because he is off and this way we don't have to pay for childcare. We stretch 1 week of groceries to two. We don't eat fast food because we don't have the extra 6 bucks that would cost. I'm not sure I will go back to school because it looks like I won't get any aid Even if we had a payment plan, we wouldn't be able to afford it. I'm still not sure how we are going to get everything for CJ's first birthday party next Saturday.

Things are so hard right now. The stress is making me feel crazy. I forget things, important things like my little step-sister walking over to our house after school. Do you know how it feels to get a call saying you forgot a 12 year old? Let me just say it's awful. On top of that I get reminded of it often by my husband.

There are days when I don't know how I will make it to the end of the day. Yesterday was definitely one of those days. We had to borrow more money, I of course have to be the one telling my mom that we need help. I got horrible score on my monitoring at work. I got home and tried to talk to Matt about a handful of different things and got ignored because he was playing xbox. To say I felt alone is an understatement. Then our downstairs neighbor told us CJ walking in his walker is too loud. I could handle each thing separately but all of them at the same time is too much.

I know eventually we will come out of this period in our lives but it's hard when the light at the end of the tunnel seems so far away.

Back to Dieting

I am going back on a diet. I am somewhat doing the self Drop 10 Challenge. I get 1350 calories and 250 "Happy Calories" a day. Happy Calories are basically "Eat anything you want" calories. Which for now, at least until I get to the grocery again, I am eating anything I want anyway just trying to stay within my calories and eat as healthy as I can with what I have. I plan to get back to walking everyday for at least a half hour hopefully I can do closer to an hour though. I really hope I can stick to this. I just don't want to feel so gross anymore. I hate feeling like no matter what I look huge. Wish me luck.

Dear Co-worker (and Mother in Law)

PLEASE do not ask me what I am having for lunch and then say, "Yuck" followed up with gagging sounds. It is not polite and is highly aggravating! I don't say Yuck when you are having salad for the umpteenth time. I would appreciate the same courtesy. Thanks Marci!

Photo Callenge Day 3

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

In case you couldn't tell, this is the cast of Lost. I was/am addicted to this show. The show ended last May just after CJ was born. I could talk about this show for hours. I wasn't so interested in figuring out what was going on as much as I was into watching their stories unfold. I am in the minority when I say I think the ending was great. It was the best way to give the story a "happy" ending. This picture has most of my favorites: Charlie, Desmond and Hurley are in this picture, Rose and Bernard are not and they were probably my favorite out of the whole cast and they weren't even main characters.

Photo Challenge Day 2

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

These are two of my very good friends. From the left: Kathy, Heather, Me. I have known Heather since the 7th grade and we have been friend since 8th grade. Kathy and I have been friends since Heather started working with her in 10th grade. I can tell them anything. They have been with me through some of the toughest times in my life. They honestly have been there to hold me together when all I wanted to do was fall apart.

Photo Challenge Day 1

So This is a couple days late but hopefully I can make up the posts today :)

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

(This is a REALLY old picture, but it's all I could find of just me that is newer than 2002)

15 Facts about me:

1. I hate Ranch dressing. I find it disgusting and it makes me gag just smelling it.


2. I also HATE roller coasters, I tried to go on one in 2005 and had a panic attack in the middle of the ride. It was awful to ride the rest of it not being able to catch my breath and have tears streaming down my face.


3. Even with my fear of roller coasters I really really really want to go to Disney world.


4. I have an almost 1 year old little boy :)


5. I have a really hard talking about myself, which is odd since I have a blog.


6. I can bend my thumb backwards and lay it flat on my wrist.


7. I met my husband because he had a crush on my little sister, She is now dating his older brother... How odd is that?


8. I believe 100% in fate, it goes along with knowing that God has a plan for me!


9. I miss my Granny more than I ever though I could. She was simply AMAZING! If I could "grow up" and be like anyone it would be her, hands down.


10. I am very awkward when it comes to serious situations. I never know what to say or how to not sound stupid.


11. I have ADD. I was diagnosed in the 1st grade and "grew out of it" in the third grade after being on adult doses of the medication 3 times a day for 2 years, it still doesn't make sense to me, so I still say I have it, I'm just unmedicated.


12. I am working really hard at becoming closer to God. It's very hard some days but I am trying my hardest to put all my trust in Him.


13. When I was a teenager all my friends couldn't wait to leave my hometown, but I always wanted to stay there.


14. I wish I could be a paid stay at home mom. I have wanted my whole life just to be a mom and raise a family but unfortunately bills have to be paid so I work.


15. I am sure by reading this you have already figured this out but I am really bad with grammar and punctuation. I am the run-on sentence/random period queen.

30 Day picture challenge

I am jumping on the bandwagon! Yall may have seen this on Facebook but I am going to do it on my blog instead. Here is the list:

Day 01 - A picture of yourself with fifteen facts.

Day 02 - A picture of you and the person you have been close with for the longest.

Day 03 - A picture of the cast from your favorite show.

Day 04 - A picture of your favorite night.

Day 05 - A picture of your favorite memory.

Day 06 - A picture of a person you'd love to trade places with for a day.

Day 07 - A picture of your most treasured item.

Day 08 - A picture that makes you laugh.

Day 09 - A picture of the person who has gotten you through the most.

Day 10 - A picture of the person you do the most messed up things with.

Day 11 - A picture of something you hate.

Day 12 - A picture of something you love.

Day 13 - A picture of your favorite band or artist.

Day 14 - A picture of someone you could never imagine your life without.

Day 15 - A picture of something you want to do before you die.

Day 16 - A picture of someone who inspires you.

Day 17 - A picture of something that has made a huge impact on your life recently.

Day 18 - A picture of your biggest insecurity.

Day 19 - A picture of you when you were little.

Day 20 - A picture of somewhere you'd love to travel.

Day 21 - A picture of something you wish you could forget.

Day 22 - A picture of something you wish you were better at.

Day 23 - A picture of your favorite book.

Day 24 - A picture of something you wish you could change.

Day 25 - A picture of your day.

Day 26 - A picture of something that means a lot to you.

Day 27 - A picture of yourself and a family member.

Day 28 - A picture of something you're afraid of.

Day 29 - A picture that can always make you smile.

Day 30 - A picture of someone you miss.

I will make a new post for day 1 since it will be kind of long :D